Tag Archives: working through issues

Immaturity Revisited: Haiku Lament

It’s tough learning your/
Immaturity caused your
prior marriage issues.

OR

I’m shamed learning my/
selfishness was the cause of/
most marriage issues.

Turn Down Dates — Just Say No! Article

Just Say No! Why And How To Turn Down Dates – And How To Respond – In Dating

Is it hard to turn down dates? In the 80’s, First Lady Nancy Reagan’s anti-drug campaign had the slogan: “Just Say NO!” While it’s great advice for both women and men in on-line and in-person dating, it seems to be a lost art.

Based on personal experience and discussions with hundreds of women and men, this article on how to turn down dates explores:

• Why we don’t say no (and what we do instead)
• Why say no at all (and why not NOT say no)
• How to say no
• What no means (and doesn’t mean)
• What no enables us to do
• How to accept no

Why We Don’t Say No (And What We Do Instead)

If you’ve been involved in post-divorce dating at all, you’ve probably experienced this: You find someone attractive and interesting. You approach them on-line with a well-thought-out, mildly funny and interesting “first e-mail”. You wait for a response. And wait. And wait.
Maybe you send another email. And wait …
Maddening, isn’t it?
It seems the preferred response method is to say … nothing.

Why do we do that? My own experience is that I think I don’t know how to say no well. Sometimes, I just can’t think of a good reason.

The most common response is simply: “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. If I don’t say anything, they’ll know I’m not interested, but I won’t hurt them.”

WRONG!

Why Say No At All (And Why Not NOT Say No)

If we truly want to be kind, and really believe in karma, we’ll do others the courtesy and the favor of saying no. We CAN turn down dates!

Let that sink in.

Rather than hurting people by saying no, we’re actually doing them a favor!

Here’s why: Most adults in the post-divorce dating world EXPERIENCE REJECTION. We’re divorced! We’ve been rejected! If we’ve dated, we have had our share of turn downs. We can take it. Though it might sting for a while, we’ll be okay and move on.

In contrast, receiving no answer (i.e., silence) is painful. It makes us wonder several things, none of which are accurate:

• Did my message not go through?
• Did I say something wrong / stupid / silly?
• Am I not attractive / worthy enough?
• What’s wrong with me that they won’t at least respond?
• Is s/he saying “no” now, but leaving the door open for later?

In my experience (and those of others I’ve talked with), if you don’t say no, 80% of the time (or more) you’ll get repeated requests. Do you really want that? I’m a fan of when folks turn down dates. Saying no is actually less painful for all involved!

How To Say No

Now that we understand why saying no can be a good, healthy thing for all involved, here is, in my mind, a great way to say no, (and why it’s so good).

“Thank you for contacting me.” (The person acknowledges my efforts.) “In looking over your profile” (indicates the person at least made some effort to read what I took the effort to write,) “I can really see you have a [some positive statement here].” (It makes me feel good about who I am, and softens what comes next.) “However, I don’t feel that we are a good match.” (I can’t deny a person’s feelings. This is a definitive NO statement. If you want to be even clearer, add on: “So, thank you, but no.) “You seem like a great person” (again, making me feel good about who I am) “and I wish us both success in finding the one right for us!” (Makes me remember that I’m not trying to please everyone, I just want to please one who’s right for me).

Other variations include: “I received your email. Thank you, but no.”
“I don’t think we’re a good match, so no thank you.”
“I don’t think we’re a good match, for these reasons: [reasons are listed].” (I personally dislike this answer, because the person receiving it will often argue and try to prove the sender wrong. It’s easier to say no without a reason except “a feeling”).
“I just met someone.” (if it’s true).

What No Means (And Doesn’t Mean)

Here’s something you must learn and internalize. It took me years to understand:
No means No.

It doesn’t mean:

• You’re ugly/weird/stupid
• You’re not worthy of me
• I don’t like you
• Nobody will like you
• You’re not in my league
• Ewwww, cooties!

It simply means no. Deal with it. Move on.

What No Enables Us To Do

You’ve received a “No.” You hurt a little. Although we may not like getting rejected, No is actually a very empowering word. Why?

It lets us move on.

Silence makes us wonder. Giving reasons “why not” leads to arguing. No lets us say: “Okay, next!”

An old sales adage says: “Every no brings us closer to yes.” As much as we hate to admit it, dating today is a numbers game. The more people we contact, the more rejection we may get, BUT the more likely we are to get the final “YES!” we are looking for.

How To Accept No

A common complaint I hear, especially from women, is: “I don’t want to say no. When I do, the guy will argue with me, or come back and say hurtful, insulting things. So I say nothing.”

First off: Men! Seriously? Do you think you’ll change her mind with insults? In fact, because the dating community is so small, you’ll probably nuke any chances of ANYONE saying “Yes.”

The polite response is to acknowledge their no, and give them encouragement in return. A brief response, such as: “Thank you for at least responding. I wish us both good luck in our search.” is an indication of good manners … and creates good karma!

What’s Next In No-Man’s/No-Woman’s Land?

Now you know the reasons to say no, AND you have examples, don’t be afraid to use them. When you get a “No”, simply say “Thank you.” and move on. It’s not personal, AND you’ve just gotten that much closer to the person you really want in your life, because they want you in theirs.

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This was an article published in early 2014 in DivorcedSinglesNews.com. Since the on-line magazine no longer exists (and since the issues involved in having to turn down dates still exist!), I’m republishing it here. It remains under my (c) Copyright, but may be reprinted with permission and reference.

If you turn down dates, you'll eventually find the person perfect for you!David Kuhns is a web content writer and communications / marketing consultant. Single for several years, his advice is based on (sometimes painful) first-hand experience, mistakes he’s made, and discussions he’s had with hundreds of divorced, dating singles.
Update: After many turn down dates moved Kuhns through hundreds of potential dating prospects, a woman from Tennessee — who just happens to be a writer as well — responded to his very forward first email through an on-line dating website. He could hardly believe her profile (because she was so perfect for him), so he sent an email asking: “Are you for real?!!!?” The woman answered with a resounding “Yes!” He is now happily married and living a dream life, including running creative writing and business retreats on their acreage near Chattanooga, Tennessee, with his wife Marnie.

Did You Have Fun? Soccer Haibun and Haiku

Soccer. Fussball. Futbol. The beautiful game. I started playing it my sophomore year in Nicolet High School, as a club sport, in gym and intramurals. I was on the BYU “C” team (you know: A, B, C) … or maybe the “Z” team … my freshman year, the same year a team I player/coached were crowned intramural champs.

In 1981 I started assisting coaching soccer in the Fond du Lac soccer league. With a few breaks, I continued assistant coaching nearly every year, especially in the Lake Washington Youth Soccer Association. I also became a referee, as did my two oldest kids. I also played in the Eastside adult “Co-Wreck” league.

da Blues LWYSA girls youth soccer team, Kirkland, WA Sept 1999, Coach KuhnsEventually, I became a head coach of several recreational teams, especially of da Blues girls team and the Tarantulas boys team. Sometime around 2005 or so, I stopped coaching, as my youngest grew into Select and Premier soccer, but I always went to their games, including their high school games.

In about 2010 a group of guys I’d coached since they were little came up to me and asked me to coach them one last time, the fall season of their senior year, in recreational soccer. They said, basically, “soccer has gotten too intense. We’re not going to play in college. We just want to have fun again.”

It was rewarding they’d learned at least one lesson from me. After every game, win, lose or draw, I would always ask the kids I coached the same question:
“Did you have FUN?” They would (almost always) smile and say “Yes.” Then I’d tell them how proud I was of them, we’d do some goofy cheer, and we’d go get snacks.

The Next Generation of Soccer Parents

I haven’t coached for a few years, although I still go watch on occassion (#CFC #ChattanoogaFC #EBFG #SeattleSounders #BYUCougars)  and I own one share of the #ChattanoogaFootballClub (#CFCowner). Now I see the next generation of soccer parents (and, really, all sports parents) coming along. These are kids of the same generation that I coached. Just like I was, they are all so earnest and excited. They all want their kids to do well. So, even though they are not asking me, I want to share a major lesson I learned from all those years coaching soccer:

“Did your child have fun?”

Here’s the haiku to go along with it.

One truth all soccer/
parents must grasp: Playing is/
never disaster.

When Truth Is Revealed: Mission Statement ImproVerse Haibun

She and I often sit in the throes of great deep philosophical and spiritual discussions about our life and lives, about existence and our place in it, about the purpose and meaning of life and how we fit and what we should do. How can we best serve our fellow men and women? What does God want us to do and can we do it and how should we do it?

Often, the Spirit teaches us great and grand truths. We put our hands over our hearts and exclaim: WOW! This is true truth! This is real.” And we smile and we feel motivated and inspired and we keep talking and we keep learning.

When this happens, hopefully a notepad and a pen or pencil will be handy and we’ll write down the truths that the Spirit is teaching us and we’ll take direction and inspiration and plans and dreams and we’ll capture them. And we only look at back at them later and maybe we will say “Yes!This is a great thing, a great truth!” And we’ll print them and put them up on our walls and use them as benchmarks and inspiration to what we should do and how we are doing.

What is Unwritten Truth?

Many times, too often really, we don’t take the time to write down the truth we’re learning. Sometimes the truths come so quickly that we can barely keep up in our own minds what they are, as they lap over on each other and grow and intertwine and intermingle and we see the visions and rejoice in what God is teaching us. So we don’t write them down. And sometimes we’re just too lazy to go find that piece of paper and pencil. We think to ourselves: “We will write it down later. This is so fantastic and so deep and so rich we will never forget it.”

But we do. Then, those truths and those heartfelt visions fade, fade,  fade away and are lost unless or until God sees fit to reprimand us, and maybe remind us of what we should have captured the first time and done the first time.

Vanishing Taught Truths Haiku

Socrates discussed,/
taught, learned. Did those truths vanish,/
too, the way ours do?