Tag Archives: Suffering

Embarassed In Patriotic Prayer: Improv Free Verse

Today,
as I prayed,
and thanked God
for the Liberties that we have,
in this free and blessed land,
suddenly,
in my mind,
I saw all these Patriots,
young men and young women:
D-Day,
Korea,
the Revolutionary War,
the Civil War,
Vietnam,
the World Wars,
Iraq,
Afghanistan,
all the wars;
men and women
with body parts
blown apart,
some of them
disintegrating
into pink clouds,
laying down their lives
for the freedom
which we enjoy.

I realized,
at that moment,
how rarely I thank God
for their sacrifices.

I was ashamed to know
I did not,
have not,
and sometimes still
do not
bend my knees
and bow my head
every morning
and every evening
in gratitude for them
and their sacrifices,
and from the bottom of my soul
thank Him for them,
these young men and young women
who don’t even know me,
who died just because
they were doing their Duty.

In shame and anguish
I wept,
and I wished to God
that He could call a great convention
of those Heroes,
gather them all together
and announce,
in a voice of thunder,
from His Holy Throne:
“Dave Kuhns is sorry
that he was a schmuck,
that he had forgotten
to thank them.”

I don’t know
that they will ever know,
from the depths of my heart,
how much honor
and respect
and appreciation
that I have for them,
as I look out on my land,
my free land,
and for the liberties
and the bounties
that I have here.

I have never said
“Thank you!”
to that vast and gallant throng,
but now,
weeping in shame and gratitude
I bow my head,
and beg forgiveness
for me overlooking them,
and tell those valiant Patriots:
“Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!”

Why I Do Not Fear Death In Surgery — Haibun

During my recent surgery, I (ultimately) did not fear death. This is my tale and truth:

 
During my recent surgery, I (ultimately) did not fear death. This is my tale and truth:

Two decades ago I had open chest surgery for Constrictive Pericarditis. Did I fear death. YES! When I researched by condition, a study at Johns Hopkins Medical Center said there was an 85% mortality rate on these types of surgeries! Should I not fear death?!? YES. But then my doctor told me that was because most of the patients were 80+ years old, had already had several heart surgeries, and were already in a weakened condition. So I felt better.

Surgical Mistake Way Back Then

Surgeons lifting off my stiffened pericardium from around my heart.

Back then, for this type of surgery, they cracked open my rib cage (just like with open heart surgery) and peeled away the stiffened pericardium. You can read about that experience by opening this link here. Unfortunately, when they sewed me back up, they left a gap in my upper abdominal wall. As a result, I’ve had an incision hernia there for nearly 20 years. Because of the way it bulged out just below my sternum, we’ve affectionately called at my “alien” (like the movie). As stare-worthy (especially on the beach) as my alien is,  it has been obnoxious and very weird looking.  

Lately, it’s also been pushing against various parts of my innards, causing me to have uncontrolled hickups for days at a time. I finally decided enough was enough, and that I would go in for surgery. Dr. Sangara, at the WellStar Kennestone Hospital in Marietta, Georgia, agreed to do a robotics hernia repair (no cracking open my chest!); he said the surgery would last just under two hours, with check-in starting at 8 a.m.; I would be heading home at about 1 p.m..

Fear Death Before Surgery

As I mentioned, the night before surgery I was feeling very nervous about the surgery. Even though it was a robotics outpatient surgery (so it’s not that big of a deal,) I still felt uncertain and afraid. And then I realized I did not have to fear death. Why and how? I could ask my Priesthood-holding step son, Elijah, to give me a Priesthood blessing. That would take away my fear. He agreed, and called up his cousin Noah from next door to help.  

How wonderful that was! They anointed my head with consecrated (olive) oil, then laid their hands on my head. Through the power of the Melchizedek priesthood and in the Name of Jesus Christ, Elijah pronounced the blessing. Among other things, in it he said ” I bless you that you’ll be calm and not worry.” 

Do Not Fear Death

At the moment he  blessed me that I would be calm, I felt a giant curtain of calm and peace descending over me. It started at my head and continued down through my entire body. I felt completely at peace, totally relaxed. In fact, afterwards, when Elijah went upstairs and Noah went back next door, I went to bed. I was so totally at peace that I was sound asleep in probably 10 minutes.  

The morning of the surgery I woke up at 3:45 because we needed to be in Marietta at 6, which meant we needed to leave home by about 4:20. As I awoke, the first thing I thought was “OH NO! My surgery is today!” I started to get nervous. Then I thought “You had a Priesthood blessing and things are going to be fine!” Immediately the calmness returned to me.  

The surgery went fine. My alien hernia is gone. They pumped my stomach full of CO2, so now my entire gut looks like I swallowed two rugby balls. Interestingly, there is a divot where the bump used to be. I told my wife I was going to lay out in the yard, put water in the indentation, and become a bird bath! I’m home, walking around, writing, eating, and still calm, knowing I’m going to recover and that this is going to help me.  

It’s such a privilege to be able to have Elijah and Noah give me a Priesthood blessing and help me be calm. Afterwards, I did not fear death. More importantly, I knew things were going to be okay. Thanks to both of those fine young men that they could do that for me. In fact, after I came home from the surgery, I composed this haiku about the experience.

Why Not Fear Death – Haiku

There are 2 reasons
to not fear death: Be ready/
Or be blessed you won’t.

Already I’m So Lonesome, Alone Again, Naturally: Revolutionary Blogging Whining Lament Free Verse Poem

Alone again.
Or is it alone,
still.
I know I should be independent,
and yet
I honestly
don’t want to be
totally.

We all have busy lives,
and we all need to respect
and give space
to others
we care for
and about.

Yes, and,
I guess I need
to learn how
to do that.

The reality is
I haven’t yet.
I expect those
I care about
to care about
the same things
I care about;
to be interested
in the same things
I’m interested in,
even if the timing
is not right.

I suppose
that’s selfish
of me.
I just had
different expectations.

And now I have to learn
to deal
with those dashed dreams
and expectations.

The expectations
that everything we did
or everything that one of us
wanted to do
would be
something that
we both wanted
to do.

But that’s not
the way it is.
The real bet is
that there’s just
not always the interest.

That we don’t
always want to walk
that yellow brick road
dressed like Buddy Holly.
(Oooh, oooh!)

I didn’t have time
before
to turn and
face the strange.
But now,
with these ch ch ch changes
I’m goin’ through,
even though things are
gonna get done,
even though there will always be
someone like her
even though the thrift shop trips
may be more efficient,
I don’t want
blue to be my color.

Don’t Save Your Breath: Revolutionary IMprov Prose

Through the years, I’ve had many friends, you included, who have told me positive things about me. They said kind, wonderful things, even when I argued with them, even when I didn’t believe them, even when it was obvious that I was exhausting them with my negativity and self-pity. They kept telling me wonderful thoughts:
I was good, I was smart, I was kind, I was important, I was intelligent, I was attractive, I was cute, I was an eccentric genius, someday I’d find my tribe and they’d get me.
and many other positive affirmations.
At the time these things were told me, I didn’t believe them. Sometimes I had to hear them many times, but finally I reached a place in my life where I realized that those things could be, might be, possibly may be, true. I accepted them, held on to them, carried them deep in my heart and my soul. They gave me hope. They prompted me and prodded me to keep trying, keep believing, keep hoping.
When I finally decided to take the leap out of self-pity and self-loathing, realizing that I could be someone worthwhile, the memory of all those positive comments came flooding back to me and substantiated me and reinforced me.

You face people who don’t believe you when you tell them how wonderful they are. It seems that you could repeat yourself until you are blue in the face, and they would never believe you. It seems like a waste of time.
So should you save your breath?
That fabulous, articulate, insightful, intelligent, kind breath?
No. Please no!