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Turn Down Dates — Just Say No! Article

Just Say No! Why And How To Turn Down Dates – And How To Respond – In Dating

Is it hard to turn down dates? In the 80’s, First Lady Nancy Reagan’s anti-drug campaign had the slogan: “Just Say NO!” While it’s great advice for both women and men in on-line and in-person dating, it seems to be a lost art.

Based on personal experience and discussions with hundreds of women and men, this article on how to turn down dates explores:

• Why we don’t say no (and what we do instead)
• Why say no at all (and why not NOT say no)
• How to say no
• What no means (and doesn’t mean)
• What no enables us to do
• How to accept no

Why We Don’t Say No (And What We Do Instead)

If you’ve been involved in post-divorce dating at all, you’ve probably experienced this: You find someone attractive and interesting. You approach them on-line with a well-thought-out, mildly funny and interesting “first e-mail”. You wait for a response. And wait. And wait.
Maybe you send another email. And wait …
Maddening, isn’t it?
It seems the preferred response method is to say … nothing.

Why do we do that? My own experience is that I think I don’t know how to say no well. Sometimes, I just can’t think of a good reason.

The most common response is simply: “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. If I don’t say anything, they’ll know I’m not interested, but I won’t hurt them.”

WRONG!

Why Say No At All (And Why Not NOT Say No)

If we truly want to be kind, and really believe in karma, we’ll do others the courtesy and the favor of saying no. We CAN turn down dates!

Let that sink in.

Rather than hurting people by saying no, we’re actually doing them a favor!

Here’s why: Most adults in the post-divorce dating world EXPERIENCE REJECTION. We’re divorced! We’ve been rejected! If we’ve dated, we have had our share of turn downs. We can take it. Though it might sting for a while, we’ll be okay and move on.

In contrast, receiving no answer (i.e., silence) is painful. It makes us wonder several things, none of which are accurate:

• Did my message not go through?
• Did I say something wrong / stupid / silly?
• Am I not attractive / worthy enough?
• What’s wrong with me that they won’t at least respond?
• Is s/he saying “no” now, but leaving the door open for later?

In my experience (and those of others I’ve talked with), if you don’t say no, 80% of the time (or more) you’ll get repeated requests. Do you really want that? I’m a fan of when folks turn down dates. Saying no is actually less painful for all involved!

How To Say No

Now that we understand why saying no can be a good, healthy thing for all involved, here is, in my mind, a great way to say no, (and why it’s so good).

“Thank you for contacting me.” (The person acknowledges my efforts.) “In looking over your profile” (indicates the person at least made some effort to read what I took the effort to write,) “I can really see you have a [some positive statement here].” (It makes me feel good about who I am, and softens what comes next.) “However, I don’t feel that we are a good match.” (I can’t deny a person’s feelings. This is a definitive NO statement. If you want to be even clearer, add on: “So, thank you, but no.) “You seem like a great person” (again, making me feel good about who I am) “and I wish us both success in finding the one right for us!” (Makes me remember that I’m not trying to please everyone, I just want to please one who’s right for me).

Other variations include: “I received your email. Thank you, but no.”
“I don’t think we’re a good match, so no thank you.”
“I don’t think we’re a good match, for these reasons: [reasons are listed].” (I personally dislike this answer, because the person receiving it will often argue and try to prove the sender wrong. It’s easier to say no without a reason except “a feeling”).
“I just met someone.” (if it’s true).

What No Means (And Doesn’t Mean)

Here’s something you must learn and internalize. It took me years to understand:
No means No.

It doesn’t mean:

• You’re ugly/weird/stupid
• You’re not worthy of me
• I don’t like you
• Nobody will like you
• You’re not in my league
• Ewwww, cooties!

It simply means no. Deal with it. Move on.

What No Enables Us To Do

You’ve received a “No.” You hurt a little. Although we may not like getting rejected, No is actually a very empowering word. Why?

It lets us move on.

Silence makes us wonder. Giving reasons “why not” leads to arguing. No lets us say: “Okay, next!”

An old sales adage says: “Every no brings us closer to yes.” As much as we hate to admit it, dating today is a numbers game. The more people we contact, the more rejection we may get, BUT the more likely we are to get the final “YES!” we are looking for.

How To Accept No

A common complaint I hear, especially from women, is: “I don’t want to say no. When I do, the guy will argue with me, or come back and say hurtful, insulting things. So I say nothing.”

First off: Men! Seriously? Do you think you’ll change her mind with insults? In fact, because the dating community is so small, you’ll probably nuke any chances of ANYONE saying “Yes.”

The polite response is to acknowledge their no, and give them encouragement in return. A brief response, such as: “Thank you for at least responding. I wish us both good luck in our search.” is an indication of good manners … and creates good karma!

What’s Next In No-Man’s/No-Woman’s Land?

Now you know the reasons to say no, AND you have examples, don’t be afraid to use them. When you get a “No”, simply say “Thank you.” and move on. It’s not personal, AND you’ve just gotten that much closer to the person you really want in your life, because they want you in theirs.

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This was an article published in early 2014 in DivorcedSinglesNews.com. Since the on-line magazine no longer exists (and since the issues involved in having to turn down dates still exist!), I’m republishing it here. It remains under my (c) Copyright, but may be reprinted with permission and reference.

If you turn down dates, you'll eventually find the person perfect for you!David Kuhns is a web content writer and communications / marketing consultant. Single for several years, his advice is based on (sometimes painful) first-hand experience, mistakes he’s made, and discussions he’s had with hundreds of divorced, dating singles.
Update: After many turn down dates moved Kuhns through hundreds of potential dating prospects, a woman from Tennessee — who just happens to be a writer as well — responded to his very forward first email through an on-line dating website. He could hardly believe her profile (because she was so perfect for him), so he sent an email asking: “Are you for real?!!!?” The woman answered with a resounding “Yes!” He is now happily married and living a dream life, including running creative writing and business retreats on their acreage near Chattanooga, Tennessee, with his wife Marnie.

Did You Have Fun? Soccer Haibun and Haiku

Soccer. Fussball. Futbol. The beautiful game. I started playing it my sophomore year in Nicolet High School, as a club sport, in gym and intramurals. I was on the BYU “C” team (you know: A, B, C) … or maybe the “Z” team … my freshman year, the same year a team I player/coached were crowned intramural champs.

In 1981 I started assisting coaching soccer in the Fond du Lac soccer league. With a few breaks, I continued assistant coaching nearly every year, especially in the Lake Washington Youth Soccer Association. I also became a referee, as did my two oldest kids. I also played in the Eastside adult “Co-Wreck” league.

da Blues LWYSA girls youth soccer team, Kirkland, WA Sept 1999, Coach KuhnsEventually, I became a head coach of several recreational teams, especially of da Blues girls team and the Tarantulas boys team. Sometime around 2005 or so, I stopped coaching, as my youngest grew into Select and Premier soccer, but I always went to their games, including their high school games.

In about 2010 a group of guys I’d coached since they were little came up to me and asked me to coach them one last time, the fall season of their senior year, in recreational soccer. They said, basically, “soccer has gotten too intense. We’re not going to play in college. We just want to have fun again.”

It was rewarding they’d learned at least one lesson from me. After every game, win, lose or draw, I would always ask the kids I coached the same question:
“Did you have FUN?” They would (almost always) smile and say “Yes.” Then I’d tell them how proud I was of them, we’d do some goofy cheer, and we’d go get snacks.

The Next Generation of Soccer Parents

I haven’t coached for a few years, although I still go watch on occassion (#CFC #ChattanoogaFC #EBFG #SeattleSounders #BYUCougars)  and I own one share of the #ChattanoogaFootballClub (#CFCowner). Now I see the next generation of soccer parents (and, really, all sports parents) coming along. These are kids of the same generation that I coached. Just like I was, they are all so earnest and excited. They all want their kids to do well. So, even though they are not asking me, I want to share a major lesson I learned from all those years coaching soccer:

“Did your child have fun?”

Here’s the haiku to go along with it.

One truth all soccer/
parents must grasp: Playing is/
never disaster.

When Truth Is Revealed: Mission Statement ImproVerse Haibun

She and I often sit in the throes of great deep philosophical and spiritual discussions about our life and lives, about existence and our place in it, about the purpose and meaning of life and how we fit and what we should do. How can we best serve our fellow men and women? What does God want us to do and can we do it and how should we do it?

Often, the Spirit teaches us great and grand truths. We put our hands over our hearts and exclaim: WOW! This is true truth! This is real.” And we smile and we feel motivated and inspired and we keep talking and we keep learning.

When this happens, hopefully a notepad and a pen or pencil will be handy and we’ll write down the truths that the Spirit is teaching us and we’ll take direction and inspiration and plans and dreams and we’ll capture them. And we only look at back at them later and maybe we will say “Yes!This is a great thing, a great truth!” And we’ll print them and put them up on our walls and use them as benchmarks and inspiration to what we should do and how we are doing.

What is Unwritten Truth?

Many times, too often really, we don’t take the time to write down the truth we’re learning. Sometimes the truths come so quickly that we can barely keep up in our own minds what they are, as they lap over on each other and grow and intertwine and intermingle and we see the visions and rejoice in what God is teaching us. So we don’t write them down. And sometimes we’re just too lazy to go find that piece of paper and pencil. We think to ourselves: “We will write it down later. This is so fantastic and so deep and so rich we will never forget it.”

But we do. Then, those truths and those heartfelt visions fade, fade,  fade away and are lost unless or until God sees fit to reprimand us, and maybe remind us of what we should have captured the first time and done the first time.

Vanishing Taught Truths Haiku

Socrates discussed,/
taught, learned. Did those truths vanish,/
too, the way ours do?

Our Lighthouse And Port of Refuge In The Storm: Haibun

The South swelters with mid-summer heat, with no port of refuge to be seen. Heading from the tree-shaded lanes of UGA and Athens, we found ourselves getting even more roasted as we drove through Hotlanta’s asphalt and concrete EZ-Bake Oven. The sun looked and cooked our black ragtop. Full-blast air conditioning seemed to do little to help.

At last, the sun slid behind towering thunderheads, providing welcome relief as we headed northward, toward our home on the hill. For awhile, all was still (as much as it can be with trucks and pickups and rich folk taking their fast cars out for a run on I-75 northbound). Magnificent bolts of lightening raced across the northern sky, lengthening out the dusk with their searing white flashes.

Then, suddenly, 30 miles southeast of our port of refuge, our home on the hill, it hit. One moment, it was a few light splatters on the windshield. A shift in the humidity and temperature caused the windshield to fog up slightly. As my fingers races to turn dials and press buttons to change the airflow, God began throwing garbage pails of water from the now black sky.

Thankful For Semi-Trucks With Blinking Tail Lights

There was no way to pull to the shoulder, no port of refuge from the storm. We couldn’t go around it. We couldn’t stop. Like Frodo the Hobbit, we had to go through. Suddenly, I could see the flashing red tail lights of a semi-truck. Here, I knew, was safety. I’d driven behind them in Tule fog in California’s Central Valley, and between Denver and Salt Lake City in November blizzards. Both of those had visibility of less than 30 feet. Here, I could see more than 100 feet, to the truck, so I knew I was safe.

Marnie was not as experienced. As I drove at a reasonable, safe speed, following the blinking tail lights, she sought her own port of refuge by burying her face in her lap. My hands stayed at “10 and 2,” and I never wavered, even when other cars passed me. I’d had dozens of cars similarly pass me before, heading down into Sacramento on the Donner Pass, and into Seattle on the Snoqualamie Pass. Many had ended up in the ditch or off the side of the road, headlights pointing like searchlights into the stormy night sky.

I was in no hurry.

The Last Miles Are Often The Toughest

At last, our exit appeared. A small voice whispered “Go to the next one! It’s better lit and straighter.” I ignored it, in a hurry to get home. As we exited, we could see … nothing. The dozens of street lights, stoplights, fast-food restaurants usually lighting up the intersection had been knocked out. No matter. The rain has slowed to a mere drizzle, so I headed home on the back road I knew so well, off of Old Alabama Highway.

Less than two blocks into our road home, I saw cars turning around and heading back toward me. Gazing down the road, I could see a giant flood flowing over the road. I sighed. The small voice — as it usually is — had been right. I turned around and got back onto the freeway, heading to the next exit.

There the lights were on, everything looked wet but familiar, and I could finally start breathing a little slower. Slowly driving down slick, wet roads, we at last turned on our yellow dirt road that headed toward our hill. I relaxed a little, but only then realized my 10 and 2 hands were almost cramping from gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

The Lighthouse And Port Of Refuge On The Hill Surprise

I drove through the hickory, oak and cedar trees, up the hill and down the dirt road that is now so familiar to me. Suddenly, through a gap in the trees, our home appeared on the hill. Its front porch and upper bedroom lights blazed with a brightness that only air cleaned by the rain can bring. As I slowed the car to look, huge bolts of lightening from the storm we’d just gone through flashed behind the house.

It was as if the house was saying “Welcome. I’ve been waiting for you. You are safe now, here.” I put the car in reverse and backed up a few feet, to where I could see our own lighthouse and port of refuge, lights blazing like a giant battleship. I gazed at it for a moment, relaxed completely, drove through one more pothole puddle, and parked.

Home again, home again, jiggidy jig.

Home Again: Our Port of Refuge in the Storm (haiku)

Torrential rainstorm,/
light’ning, flooded roads. We see/
our house, lit. Harbor.*

or

our house, lit. Refuge.
10:19 pm August 13, 2019

Perfect God Is Not A Perfectionist: ConTEXTing Free Verse

My wife posted this on her Facebook yesterday:

‘I created something today and was grappling over whether it was good enough. . David responded, “It’s good enough… why do you think it has to be perfect? Do you think God is a perfectionist?”
“Probably,” I replied.
“No, He’s not. He can’t be… He created us.”
Touche!’

After I thought about it, I changed my mind and wrote this free verse:

Because God IS
just
perfect,
He made us
perfectly
imperfect,
so we can learn
and grow
and become.