As a people-pleaser
who never wanted to
hurt anyone,
it stuns
and pains
and saddens me
to know how badly
I’ve injured
and pained
and scared
those I cared about
the most.
Torn tendons. Torqued back./
Bruised wrist. Blisters. Bad eyes. Scouts,/
yard work, or marriage?
Are there times
when you have to do
the important things in your life?
Or are there times
when you have to ignore
people you’d rather not?
Are there times
when you have to make
tough choices
and those choices might not be
what other people want you to do?
Are there times
when you have to let go
and suffer the consequences?
Or are there times
when you have to just do
what you feel like God
is telling you to do,
regardless of what anyone else
wants you to do
or even needs you to do?
When you hit those times,
do you just have to take a deep breath,
perhaps shed a few tears,
and hope that,
if you are hurting someone you care about,
maybe someday they’ll understand?
And they’ll come to learn
that what is best for you
and what God directs you to do,
will ultimately also be
what’s best for them.
When folks hurt others, /
it’s not because they mean to./
It’s they just don’t care.*
or
*They’re just not caring.
I once had been her/
first outreach and comfort. It’s/
hard to not be there.
I ran into a/
wall today. I didn’t see/
it coming. It hurt.
She sends me
Photos
Showing her beauty.
All of it.
I didn’t ask.
I actually never have.
Well, maybe sometimes.
When I was lonely.
Back in the day.
Like yesterday.
But this time,
Really,
I didn’t ask.
They just showed up.
First,
Selfies in a mini-van.
Selfies in the kitchen.
Then,
golden-lighted,
(the way bedroom lights glow)
Copper-tonedskincolors
FromherbedohmyheckthatsAMAZING
Surprise.
But not so much.
Because many do it.
Just as, I’m sure,
Many ask for it.
So it should be no shock
To anyone
That almost everyone
Probably has gotten them
Or has probably sent them
(Except the Supreme Court
Who simply passed on
The envelope
Without even looking.)
Does thinking about it
makes you sick?
Yes.
Just like it
makes me ill.
Punched in the stomach.
Kicked in the heart.
Because I and you like
to think
We are unique
And sacred
And wanted
Only.
And I and you don’t want
to imagine
That we are common
And cheap
And normal
And doing what
Almost
Everyone else does
Or has least thought about.
I feel sadillsickpunchedkicked
Especially when
I look at the pictures
And know they weren’t taken
Today
Or last night,
For just me,
But weeks or months ago
For someone else
And I am just an afterthought,
a “may as well”,
A “I wonder what he’ll think”,
A “this should surprise him.”
Being ordinary
Makes me sadillsickpunchedkicked
And cry
And hide.
In my corner,
cowering,
contemplating,
I wonder
When I get them,
“Why me?”
Do I have
“PERVERT” or “VOYEUR”
Or “TYPICAL GUY”
or “PIGDOGRUNTMEATHEAD”
Stamped across my forehead?
Does my London Fog coat
Look like I could flash it open
At any moment?
Or do I just get those photos
Because I’m a guy
And guys like that type of stuff
And guys like that are pigs
And all guys are pigs
Therefore I should be sent those photos
To prove to her and everyone else
That I’m a pig,
And that I’m not worthy of her time.
She’d never send those photos
To “him”.
He’s too straight-laced
She says,
And would probably faint
And then write her off
And dump her.
Noooo! She,
Wearing lace
collars,
Church-going,
Righteous,
Sunday School
Or women’s auxiliary
Teacher
Or holy music
Leader
On her way to minister
To the sick
And the lonely
And the depressed
And oppressed,
That’s not the her
Who she wants to be
To herself
Or anyone else
Who matters.
Especially not
To him.
She is that good person.
I see her like that.
So does everyone else.
He, especially.
So he gets mini-van selfies
And kitchen selfies
And selfies with both of them
Happy on the trail
Or at dinner
Or at sunset
Or on the beach
Or doing something wonderful.
Sweet, gentle, peaceful selfies,
Graceful,
Censored by life,
Until the time he gets to see
Everything she wants to show him
In person.
Because he is worthy
Of getting nothing now
And everything later.
While I,
Who try so hard
Not to be “that type”,
Not to be known “like THAT,”
Get unsolicited
Golden bedroom light photos
That keep filling up
My texts
And computer-file folders
And mind
With selfie smiles
I can’t forget
But won’t ever get.
Hearing her cry at/
the end turned it into a/
horrific event.
She had been crushed/
by words dropped on her
with power,
by one who used/
and abused/
them well.
I could tell/
her that my verbs/
and nouns/
and words/
were tender/
and soft /
like butterfly kisses,/
but only time/
could heal her/
and make her well/
once more flow.