Why I Do Not Fear Death In Surgery — Haibun

During my recent surgery, I (ultimately) did not fear death. This is my tale and truth:

 
During my recent surgery, I (ultimately) did not fear death. This is my tale and truth:

Two decades ago I had open chest surgery for Constrictive Pericarditis. Did I fear death. YES! When I researched by condition, a study at Johns Hopkins Medical Center said there was an 85% mortality rate on these types of surgeries! Should I not fear death?!? YES. But then my doctor told me that was because most of the patients were 80+ years old, had already had several heart surgeries, and were already in a weakened condition. So I felt better.

Surgical Mistake Way Back Then

Surgeons lifting off my stiffened pericardium from around my heart.

Back then, for this type of surgery, they cracked open my rib cage (just like with open heart surgery) and peeled away the stiffened pericardium. You can read about that experience by opening this link here. Unfortunately, when they sewed me back up, they left a gap in my upper abdominal wall. As a result, I’ve had an incision hernia there for nearly 20 years. Because of the way it bulged out just below my sternum, we’ve affectionately called at my “alien” (like the movie). As stare-worthy (especially on the beach) as my alien is,  it has been obnoxious and very weird looking.  

Lately, it’s also been pushing against various parts of my innards, causing me to have uncontrolled hickups for days at a time. I finally decided enough was enough, and that I would go in for surgery. Dr. Sangara, at the WellStar Kennestone Hospital in Marietta, Georgia, agreed to do a robotics hernia repair (no cracking open my chest!); he said the surgery would last just under two hours, with check-in starting at 8 a.m.; I would be heading home at about 1 p.m..

Fear Death Before Surgery

As I mentioned, the night before surgery I was feeling very nervous about the surgery. Even though it was a robotics outpatient surgery (so it’s not that big of a deal,) I still felt uncertain and afraid. And then I realized I did not have to fear death. Why and how? I could ask my Priesthood-holding step son, Elijah, to give me a Priesthood blessing. That would take away my fear. He agreed, and called up his cousin Noah from next door to help.  

How wonderful that was! They anointed my head with consecrated (olive) oil, then laid their hands on my head. Through the power of the Melchizedek priesthood and in the Name of Jesus Christ, Elijah pronounced the blessing. Among other things, in it he said ” I bless you that you’ll be calm and not worry.” 

Do Not Fear Death

At the moment he  blessed me that I would be calm, I felt a giant curtain of calm and peace descending over me. It started at my head and continued down through my entire body. I felt completely at peace, totally relaxed. In fact, afterwards, when Elijah went upstairs and Noah went back next door, I went to bed. I was so totally at peace that I was sound asleep in probably 10 minutes.  

The morning of the surgery I woke up at 3:45 because we needed to be in Marietta at 6, which meant we needed to leave home by about 4:20. As I awoke, the first thing I thought was “OH NO! My surgery is today!” I started to get nervous. Then I thought “You had a Priesthood blessing and things are going to be fine!” Immediately the calmness returned to me.  

The surgery went fine. My alien hernia is gone. They pumped my stomach full of CO2, so now my entire gut looks like I swallowed two rugby balls. Interestingly, there is a divot where the bump used to be. I told my wife I was going to lay out in the yard, put water in the indentation, and become a bird bath! I’m home, walking around, writing, eating, and still calm, knowing I’m going to recover and that this is going to help me.  

It’s such a privilege to be able to have Elijah and Noah give me a Priesthood blessing and help me be calm. Afterwards, I did not fear death. More importantly, I knew things were going to be okay. Thanks to both of those fine young men that they could do that for me. In fact, after I came home from the surgery, I composed this haiku about the experience.

Why Not Fear Death – Haiku

There are 2 reasons
to not fear death: Be ready/
Or be blessed you won’t.

Did You Have Fun? Soccer Haibun and Haiku

Soccer. Fussball. Futbol. The beautiful game. I started playing it my sophomore year in Nicolet High School, as a club sport, in gym and intramurals. I was on the BYU “C” team (you know: A, B, C) … or maybe the “Z” team … my freshman year, the same year a team I player/coached were crowned intramural champs.

In 1981 I started assisting coaching soccer in the Fond du Lac soccer league. With a few breaks, I continued assistant coaching nearly every year, especially in the Lake Washington Youth Soccer Association. I also became a referee, as did my two oldest kids. I also played in the Eastside adult “Co-Wreck” league.

da Blues LWYSA girls youth soccer team, Kirkland, WA Sept 1999, Coach KuhnsEventually, I became a head coach of several recreational teams, especially of da Blues girls team and the Tarantulas boys team. Sometime around 2005 or so, I stopped coaching, as my youngest grew into Select and Premier soccer, but I always went to their games, including their high school games.

In about 2010 a group of guys I’d coached since they were little came up to me and asked me to coach them one last time, the fall season of their senior year, in recreational soccer. They said, basically, “soccer has gotten too intense. We’re not going to play in college. We just want to have fun again.”

It was rewarding they’d learned at least one lesson from me. After every game, win, lose or draw, I would always ask the kids I coached the same question:
“Did you have FUN?” They would (almost always) smile and say “Yes.” Then I’d tell them how proud I was of them, we’d do some goofy cheer, and we’d go get snacks.

The Next Generation of Soccer Parents

I haven’t coached for a few years, although I still go watch on occassion (#CFC #ChattanoogaFC #EBFG #SeattleSounders #BYUCougars)  and I own one share of the #ChattanoogaFootballClub (#CFCowner). Now I see the next generation of soccer parents (and, really, all sports parents) coming along. These are kids of the same generation that I coached. Just like I was, they are all so earnest and excited. They all want their kids to do well. So, even though they are not asking me, I want to share a major lesson I learned from all those years coaching soccer:

“Did your child have fun?”

Here’s the haiku to go along with it.

One truth all soccer/
parents must grasp: Playing is/
never disaster.

When Truth Is Revealed: Mission Statement ImproVerse Haibun

She and I often sit in the throes of great deep philosophical and spiritual discussions about our life and lives, about existence and our place in it, about the purpose and meaning of life and how we fit and what we should do. How can we best serve our fellow men and women? What does God want us to do and can we do it and how should we do it?

Often, the Spirit teaches us great and grand truths. We put our hands over our hearts and exclaim: WOW! This is true truth! This is real.” And we smile and we feel motivated and inspired and we keep talking and we keep learning.

When this happens, hopefully a notepad and a pen or pencil will be handy and we’ll write down the truths that the Spirit is teaching us and we’ll take direction and inspiration and plans and dreams and we’ll capture them. And we only look at back at them later and maybe we will say “Yes!This is a great thing, a great truth!” And we’ll print them and put them up on our walls and use them as benchmarks and inspiration to what we should do and how we are doing.

What is Unwritten Truth?

Many times, too often really, we don’t take the time to write down the truth we’re learning. Sometimes the truths come so quickly that we can barely keep up in our own minds what they are, as they lap over on each other and grow and intertwine and intermingle and we see the visions and rejoice in what God is teaching us. So we don’t write them down. And sometimes we’re just too lazy to go find that piece of paper and pencil. We think to ourselves: “We will write it down later. This is so fantastic and so deep and so rich we will never forget it.”

But we do. Then, those truths and those heartfelt visions fade, fade,  fade away and are lost unless or until God sees fit to reprimand us, and maybe remind us of what we should have captured the first time and done the first time.

Vanishing Taught Truths Haiku

Socrates discussed,/
taught, learned. Did those truths vanish,/
too, the way ours do?

Our Lighthouse And Port of Refuge In The Storm: Haibun

The South swelters with mid-summer heat, with no port of refuge to be seen. Heading from the tree-shaded lanes of UGA and Athens, we found ourselves getting even more roasted as we drove through Hotlanta’s asphalt and concrete EZ-Bake Oven. The sun looked and cooked our black ragtop. Full-blast air conditioning seemed to do little to help.

At last, the sun slid behind towering thunderheads, providing welcome relief as we headed northward, toward our home on the hill. For awhile, all was still (as much as it can be with trucks and pickups and rich folk taking their fast cars out for a run on I-75 northbound). Magnificent bolts of lightening raced across the northern sky, lengthening out the dusk with their searing white flashes.

Then, suddenly, 30 miles southeast of our port of refuge, our home on the hill, it hit. One moment, it was a few light splatters on the windshield. A shift in the humidity and temperature caused the windshield to fog up slightly. As my fingers races to turn dials and press buttons to change the airflow, God began throwing garbage pails of water from the now black sky.

Thankful For Semi-Trucks With Blinking Tail Lights

There was no way to pull to the shoulder, no port of refuge from the storm. We couldn’t go around it. We couldn’t stop. Like Frodo the Hobbit, we had to go through. Suddenly, I could see the flashing red tail lights of a semi-truck. Here, I knew, was safety. I’d driven behind them in Tule fog in California’s Central Valley, and between Denver and Salt Lake City in November blizzards. Both of those had visibility of less than 30 feet. Here, I could see more than 100 feet, to the truck, so I knew I was safe.

Marnie was not as experienced. As I drove at a reasonable, safe speed, following the blinking tail lights, she sought her own port of refuge by burying her face in her lap. My hands stayed at “10 and 2,” and I never wavered, even when other cars passed me. I’d had dozens of cars similarly pass me before, heading down into Sacramento on the Donner Pass, and into Seattle on the Snoqualamie Pass. Many had ended up in the ditch or off the side of the road, headlights pointing like searchlights into the stormy night sky.

I was in no hurry.

The Last Miles Are Often The Toughest

At last, our exit appeared. A small voice whispered “Go to the next one! It’s better lit and straighter.” I ignored it, in a hurry to get home. As we exited, we could see … nothing. The dozens of street lights, stoplights, fast-food restaurants usually lighting up the intersection had been knocked out. No matter. The rain has slowed to a mere drizzle, so I headed home on the back road I knew so well, off of Old Alabama Highway.

Less than two blocks into our road home, I saw cars turning around and heading back toward me. Gazing down the road, I could see a giant flood flowing over the road. I sighed. The small voice — as it usually is — had been right. I turned around and got back onto the freeway, heading to the next exit.

There the lights were on, everything looked wet but familiar, and I could finally start breathing a little slower. Slowly driving down slick, wet roads, we at last turned on our yellow dirt road that headed toward our hill. I relaxed a little, but only then realized my 10 and 2 hands were almost cramping from gripping the steering wheel so tightly.

The Lighthouse And Port Of Refuge On The Hill Surprise

I drove through the hickory, oak and cedar trees, up the hill and down the dirt road that is now so familiar to me. Suddenly, through a gap in the trees, our home appeared on the hill. Its front porch and upper bedroom lights blazed with a brightness that only air cleaned by the rain can bring. As I slowed the car to look, huge bolts of lightening from the storm we’d just gone through flashed behind the house.

It was as if the house was saying “Welcome. I’ve been waiting for you. You are safe now, here.” I put the car in reverse and backed up a few feet, to where I could see our own lighthouse and port of refuge, lights blazing like a giant battleship. I gazed at it for a moment, relaxed completely, drove through one more pothole puddle, and parked.

Home again, home again, jiggidy jig.

Home Again: Our Port of Refuge in the Storm (haiku)

Torrential rainstorm,/
light’ning, flooded roads. We see/
our house, lit. Harbor.*

or

our house, lit. Refuge.
10:19 pm August 13, 2019