You, daughter, and I are apart
By physical distance.
By directions of the heart.
By life’s circumstance.
By twists and turns
Caused by poor choices made;
By hard lessons not learned;
By words said and unsaid.
Yet in my heart, mind and soul,
You dwell with me.
Everywhere I go,
You’re with me constantly.
No matter how far apart we may roam
In my heart you’ll always have a home.
Since I haven’t heard/
from you all day, I just hope/
that you are okay.
You will get many flowers,
but few chocolate ice cream cones.
You will get many suitors,
but few you’ll want to take home.
You’ll get many earnest guys
who’ll woo you with sincere words.
You’ll get many zealous men
whose attentions you’ll quickly spurn.
You’ll get many ogglers
who will proclaim your beauty.
You’ll get men with no vocabulary
who will simply call you “cutie”.
But when these all have failed the test,
turn to me: the kindest, funniest, most sensative best.
On the eve of me leaving,
alone, for France,
Your surprise last message, grieving,
came. You took that chance.
Since then I’ve had to roam
to Vegas, Dallas, Orlando,
Bountiful and San Antone,
with thoughts of you as I go.
I have always intended
to sit down and write,
but as days and nights have blended,
it never feels right, quite.
For an answer takes deep thought, time, and caring
To pen honest words worthy of sharing.
Speak no more in absolutes,
but simply be more resolute:
We both made mistakes,
yet we have what it takes
to, in the future, be more astute.
She claimed she cared for me
but what did she ever see
of my kids’ agony?
My lack of destiny?
My parents elderly?
Courtroom travesty?
Lack of money?
My self-destructive propensity?
She only cared
that for her I was there
when she was needy.
On this Valentine’s Day
I spent planning romantic trips:
The south of France.
The coast of Spain.
Springtime overnight
in The City of Light.
A week in Vegas, baby!
A long weekend in Magic Kingdom.
Non-stop flights.
King-sized beds
for one.
When parents split,
Children must make choices.
I did.
No matter where I went,
I had a backup.
If one parent didn’t work out,
I could leave,
Go elsewhere,
Be with someone else.
Dating was the same way.
I’d develop relationships,
Love,
Passion,
But always kept another
In my back pocket,
As a backup.
Marriage should have changed that.
It did
For awhile.
But when I felt unloved,
When there was stress
Or anger
Or loneliness,
I looked for
A backup
Or two,
Or three.
But, unlike with my parents,
I lost everything.
Now I stand alone,
Again,
Seeking love,
Affirmation,
Passion,
Companionship.
But the old fears,
Habits,
Mistakes
Creep in.
I seek backups,
So when she bails,
Denies,
Hurts me,
Shuts down,
Another will be there,
Coming off the bench,
Substituting,
Filling needs
That were never there.
For true love
Needs no backup,
No substitute,
No replacement.
True love just needs
Trust,
Belief
And acceptance.
Knowing that,
Learning that,
Understanding that,
Accepting that
Is my first step.
Your past experience
Has always been
There is no rush.
There is little anticipation.
It is always just convenient.
It doesn’t mean anything.
You claim it is different
With us,
But when there is only silence
It sounds like
What you’ve told me about.
It feels the same
To me.
So I wonder
If the distance
And the blasé’
And the non-connection
Is really what you want,
Just like you always have.
And I wonder
If I should ask,
Or would that be pushy.
And I wonder
If I should just wait,
In silence,
And how long
it will be
Until I finally
Figure it out.
Until I finally
believe
and trust
with my heart,
my heart.