Sitting In Nature, Deep: Verbal Riff

While sitting out in Creation Girl and my work-in-progress grape arbor on the banks of the West Chickamauga Creek at Spirit Tree Farms, I had some thoughts about sitting in nature. Rather than wait until I was at my computer, I picked up my phone and did a voice recognition verbal riff. A new prose-writing method for me, but one I could get used to! It’s quick and effective, and I hope captures the message well.

Sitting in nature requires putting your phone away, or maybe not even bringing it. It means laying your tools down, including pulling your snippers out of your pocket and throwing them onto the ground, to better be prepared for the messages Nature is going to send you.

Sitting in Nature Means Not Seeing So You Can Experience

Sitting in Nature means looking around and, instead of seeing privet that needs to be pulled, or wild grapevines that need to be trellised, or invasive grasses that need to be burned, or ironweed seeds that need to be gathered, just sitting. Listening. Feeling. Sensing.

Taking this deliberate time, making this purposeful effort of rest and nature observation and connection means hearing and feeling the negative ions of the distant creek running over the rocks placed there as a fishing weir by pre-contact native residents of this land. Sure, these Ancient Ones worked, but they also stopped, looked, listened, felt, learned, and taught.

Like us, they watched the late season butterflies flit among the few goldenrod and burn weed and ironweed blooms still available. They no doubt marveled at the bright blood-red stalks of pokeweed, nearly spent, holding on to the last vestiges of purple berries, to provide fruit throughout the winter swaying with the late autumn breeze.

These people of the land saw that same breeze give dead and dying ironweed stalks a shake, spreading their seeds like salt from a shaker. They felt the late Autumn breeze and wondered at its warmth and smiled at its gentle caress. They looked at the skyline of multi-hued deciduous trees and probably put that sight in their memory banks for later on, when they would make blankets and paint paintings showing those same Earth tone colors.

Developing Symbiotic Relationships With Nature And Families

Undoubtedly, these nature observation experts listened to the squirrels chattering, gathering and husking hickory nuts and black walnuts, preparing for the winter. In the Indigenous tribal culture, the older wise ones probably showed the younger ones which plants to gather. Then, the younger ones, full of life and energy and supple bodies able to bend and lift, used the old ones wisdom and knowledge to quickly harvest what the tribe needed. The old ones sharing that knowledge freely, and accepted the youth’s gift of energy and work, a symbiotic relationship in a group of humans mirroring the symbiotic relationships found throughout nature.

Throughout the entire Nature observation and gathering process, either the elderly or the young — or perhaps both — felt the presence of the Creator, the Great Spirit. Together, they shared the joy found in sitting with and being enveloped by Nature. Maybe the sun caressed their shoulders as they munched on a foraged turkey tail or a goldenrod blossom. Or when they discovered and shared and relished a late-fruiting passion flower, they felt joy, and they gave thanks. And when they went to work again after sitting, resting, and feeling, that Nature joy stayed with them, so work was no longer work and drudgery, but instead a joint celebration with each other, with the plants and animals all around them, like dancers separate but in harmony, swaying and moving through creation itself.

We can learn much from the Ancient Ones. We should mirror that dance with Nature. Let’s make an effort to put down our tools and technology. Let’s take the time to find nature joy today, ourselves. Because, if we let it, if we spend time sitting in Nature, the energy we get and gather to us stays with us, lifts us, buoys us, and carries us through life.

An updated, more in-depth copy of this is on our Spirit Tree Farms blog.

Facing Insurmountable Tasks Advice — Partnering With Nature: Prose

Recently, I read a post in a Native Habitat social media group. The person asked the group what they should do about their recently-purchased three acre property that was disorganized and overrun with non-native, invasive species, some so thick as to make walking through the property nearly impossible.With some passion and frustration, they explained that they didn’t know where to start or what to do. Almost to the point of despair, they said they were worried because there were non-native vines all over the trees, not only strangling them but threatening to collapse the larger branches, as well as creating a dense shadow on the forest floor where nothing could grow. They specifically asked what poisons and herbicides to apply, and how to apply them, to control these troublesome invaders.

As you can imagine, there were many answers, ranging from the drastic to the thoughtful. Interestingly, most suggested the property owners focus on assessment and inventory.
Suggestions included:
*Get a plant app (such as PlantNet), and go through the property, identifying and labeling all the plants
*Make a calendar and a schedule, going through each section at a time to clear out invasives and control what is wantedSome were more drastic, including:
*Do a controlled undergrowth burn, protecting the big trees, and see what grows back

*Chop away everything invasive, and apply deep-acting herbicides to the roots

As I read these responses, I thought of our own experience at our six-acre Spirit Tree Farms in Catoosa County, Northwest Georgia. I realized that the original post exhibited the same fears and frustrations I’d felt when I first purchased the property:

I didn’t know what was invasive, non-native, and undesirable, compared to what was native and welcome
It was such a large task, I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start
I was afraid to make a mistake

Lessons Learned From Partnering With Nature

It was then I understood the lessons I’d learned from listening to and working with Nature as a partner. This was the advice I gave:

Listen to the land. Many people think we have to use our own wisdom and knowledge to “Save the Earth”. The reality is, Mother Earth knows what she needs. Nature understands, even on a small scale, the actions we as partners should take. When partnering with Nature, work with the land.
Know what you want to do — in an overarching way. The original poster wanted a property filled with native trees, bushes, wildflowers, and other plants. Others might want a giant play area for their kids and grandkids. Some might want a food production focus, to be self sustaining. Still others might want a food plot for deer, rabbits, and game birds. At Spirit Tree Farms, we want walkable areas where we can teach and model partnering with Nature, along with Nature observation and creativity. These are all valid uses of the land, but they all require different solutions.
Do something. Do anything. Yes, making an inventory, designing an overarching plan, creating a calendar, are all vital — but they will not do anything to change the land or fix the problems. A favorite quote from my youth states: “The song I came to sing remains unsung. I spent my life stringing and unstringing my instrument.”
UPDATE: As I’m editing these piece some months later, I’ll add this thought: Do research sooner rather than later. I FINALLY got my soil tested (University of Georgia County Extension program). Turns out that I’d planted the blueberry bushes and ginseng roots in completely the wrong place. (The soil pH is way off). In other words, partnering with Nature means being smart, too!

I suggested that they pick one thing to do, and start doing that for a set time each day. I suggested the land owner start with spending an hour each morning and an hour each evening (during the cooler part of the day), and focus on one task. I pointed out that, if they didn’t have that much time on some days, even 15 minutes daily would bring a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment.

I pointed out that, in the original post, they seemed especially concerned about the invasive vines which were strangling the native trees. I suggested they go out with a small saw or a pair of pruning loppers and spend their time cutting and killing the vines at the base of the trees. I reminded them that they didn’t need to pull the vines off the trees just yet; killing them would (a) begin to solve the problem and (b) make it easier to pull them off later on. The key was to do something, and to focus on the highest priority, or their greatest concern.

Pulling Privet Parable

In my own experience, I listened to the land and discovered that a highly-invasive non-native plant, Chinese privet, was creating a mono-culture where nothing else could grow. Not only were these plants rapidly spreading, but they shaded out the sunshine, took up all the soil nutrients and water, and their roots and leaves distributed poison which prevented the growth of native plants.By listening to the land, I became “a man on a mission”. I would go out every day and pull up or cut down privet. Some of these bushes were as large around as my thigh, and would grow back shoots and runners even after I’d cut the main trunk. But I’d learned that applying herbicides to the trunk would potentially ooze through the roots, killing desirable plants around the privet. Instead, I kept cutting off the shoots, and eventually the entire privet system would die and rot to the point that I could use my angle-handled Fiskar shovel and leverage out the rootball.

I also learned to take advantage of what Mother Earth provided. Many people won’t go out and work on the land after a hard rain. “It’s too wet, it’s too muddy, it’s too gooey” they argue. Fortunately, I lived for 25 years in the Seattle area, where if you don’t work outside when it rains, you don’t work outside.

What I discovered is that, after a hard rain, small- and medium-sized privet plants — because of their shallow root system — came out quickly and easily with a firm tug. In fact, I now relish the rain, because I learned that I can pull out about ten times more privet and other invasive species when the ground is wet than when it is dry.

I explained to the original poster that, by listening to the land, and by working on what concerned them the most, they would probably learn lessons and get unexpected benefits as well. For example, after cleaning out a space of over 100 yards x 10 feet deep of privet lining my rural driveway — a giant monoculture — by the next year, more than 27 different native trees, shrubs, wildflowers and other plants sprang up in place of the privet. These native and beneficial species were there the entire time, but the privet was crowding them out.

This was such an impactful lesson to us that my wife used it as part of a presentation on Finding Peace in Nature. You can watch her first presentation about it here. It was received so enthusiastically that she expanded the concept, creating a book, journal, and training on it. Explore that here: SpiritTreeFarms.com/Peace. It focuses on how we as humans should put aside our hubris and vanity in trying to “fix Mother Earth”, and instead listen to her as she explains to us not only what she needs, but what we need and can learn from her.

Partnering With Nature Needs Organization

This privet parable had such a deep influence in my life that now, when I go out to work on what I feel I should do on the property (yes, I pray about what I should do, what would be most beneficial to myself AND the land), I take a notebook (or my phone) along. When I get the thought to “plant / transplant something here” or “trim this /remove that from there” or even “burn this section of field”, I take notes.

I explained to the landowner that one of the most beneficial suggestions I’d received was from my wife, who is very organized. She noticed I was getting a huge list of things to do, but — other than the privet — wasn’t getting much done. She created a spreadsheet, and had me populate it with tasks, including the what, where, when and how (and, sometimes, when I need motivation, a note on “why”.) Now, when I’m inspired to do a task, I not only start working on it, but I put it into the spreadsheet, so the inspiration becomes captured and actionable.Ultimately, the lessons I’m learning from this experience at Spirit Tree Farms are:
*Listen to Nature and The Creator
*Do something / ANYTHING
*Capture
*Review
*Continue to listen
*Be inspired
*Learn

Many of these thoughts and lessons are captured on only in SpiritTreeFarms.com/Peace, but in other writings on NaturesGuy.com, CreationGirl.com, and my creative blog, CyranoWriter.com

When nature observation becomes more than forest bathing -- learning from wildflower wandering how be tap into creativity

Accepting Old People Where They Are: Revolutionary Prose

A Facebook friend posted this thought: “You don’t need to “orient” the elderly, even if they have dementia. Spend time with them where they are at … even if it’s 1959. Ask them about what they do remember.” To which I responded:
“When my grandmother was going through that phase, where she couldn’t remember things even a few minutes after they happened, I had this thought: Old people get to that phase so they can pass their knowledge and wisdom and stories from long long ago onto to the next generation. She could remember the name of her four-year-old best friend, but she couldn’t remember what she had for breakfast that morning. So I asked her about her four-year-old neighbor and her childhood and the first time she saw an airplane. I learned how to fillet a fish. I played endless hours of cribbage and listened to stories and got to ask questions and watch her face light up as she remembered things she hadn’t thought of in decades. I spent months going through the years of 1920 to 1990 with her, looking at old photo albums, making video and audio recordings. She talked about those memories and photos as if the events captured had happened yesterday. Because to her, they probably had. It was an amazing experience.
As a result my children have heard and know more “Grandma stories” than my father, her eldest son. I’m grateful I took the time to listen about yesterday, instead of trying to force her into today.”

Light And Truth: A Covid-19 Pandemic Cure? Did I #HearHim Right?

Covid-19 / the Coronavirus Pandemic is ravaging the earth. I have not been directly impacted, but friends and family members are sick from it. And I fear.

So it was with interest and hope that I watched the 190th Annual General Conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which I am a member.

Did I hear a cure embedded in a Conference talk Saturday evening? Or preventative medicine against the Covid-19 virus? I think I did!

An Apostle Speaks Truth … And A Pandemic Cure?

In the Saturday evening special session, Elder Dallin H. Oaks, President of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, spoke. At about the 9:30 point of his talk, which you can watch here, things got interesting.

Is The Pandemic Cure Contained In This Talk?

I re-listened to his talk this morning. I typed as fast as I could: I’ve paraphrased some, and quoted some. Listen to his talk for yourself, and take notes on what YOU hear.

Elder Oaks said: “We’ve been taught great principles of eternity.” He then encouraged us to have our eye single to receive these truths of eternity, “so our bodies may be full of light.” Elder Oaks then discussed the Savior’s sermon (in both The Bible and The Book of Mormon), where the Savior taught that “mortal bodies can be full of light, or full of darkness. ”

The Savior “used the example of our eye,” Elder Oaks said, and talked about the eye being single. “If the eye is single to truth and righteousness, to that which is good, then thy whole body shall be full of light. But if the eye seeks evil, then the body will be filled with evil. That is, if we look for evil and take that into our bodies, then our whole body will be filled with darkness.”

“Mortal bodies can be full of light, or full of darkness. Listen to messages about truths of eternity. If we are concentrating on receiving eternal light and understanding,” thy whole body shall be full of light.”

“The light or darkness in our bodies depends on how we see or receive the eternal truths we are taught..”

How I Heard This Talk About Light = Pandemic Cure

His discussion about filling my body with light caught my attention: If we desire this and have our eye single to receive truth and light, “the Savior promises that the truths of eternity shall be opened unto us.”

Is this the prevention — and the pandemic cure — for Covid-19? I’ve found that, in recent months, I’ve been extremely negative and critical. I’ve criticized people and politics and processes on Facebook, in my daily interactions. While I haven’t sought wickedness, I haven’t been positive, joyful, or (for me, at least), happy. And as I’ve acted that way, I’ve felt darker, more weary, more down and downtrodden.

What if I start looking for truth? What if I start looking — again — for goodness, for joy, for happiness? What if, instead of grumbling about having to clear out the invasive trees on my property, I rejoice in getting to go outside on beautiful, sunny days? What if, instead of complaining about the rain, I give thanks that’s, when it’s over, the ground is so soft that I can pull out weeds and non-native trees easily, instead of struggling to cut them down? What if, instead of complaining about people I think are politically negative, I’m glad we live in a country where we can have different opinions?

Yesterday I wrote a press release about a Ultra-Violet disinfecting machine, recently shipped to one of my clients, that sanitizes health care facilities with LIGHT. What if internalizing joy, happiness and truth fills my body and soul with light? And what if, if my body is filled with light, THAT is the prevention — and the cure — to this pandemic?

In the time of Moses, the Children of Israel had a plague of poisonous serpents. Moses raised up a serpent on a staff. To be healed, someone who was bitten just had to look upon the staff (which was a symbol of the Savior Jesus Christ) to be cured. The task was simple. Yet because it was so easy, so simple, many didn’t do it, and perished.

What if this simple thing, given by an Apostle of the Lord Jesus Christ, is the answer to this pandemic, as well as to other woes? What if we all looked for the good, the truth, the light?

Will people still die from this and other ailments, even if they are full of light? Of course. That is the human condition. Will it save everyone? Probably not. So why try to fill our souls with light? I can’t speak for anyone else, but I know my answer. I don’t like darkness or evil. I’m going to change, to do this simple thing, to look for truth, for good, for joy. I’m going to fill my body and my soul with light.

#HearHim #ChurchofJesusChrist #GeneralConference

Here is Elder Dallin H. Oaks Saturday evening Conference talk. Listen from 9:30 on for a possible pandemic cure.

Don’t Untangle The Tangled Mess: Thought-Streaming Prose

On a recent trip, my wife and I had several hours of drive time in the car. We decided it would be good to do some energy work on some friends and family. (Yes, they’d given us permission to do such work.)

For those of you who don’t know, Marnie is a SimplyHealed^TM practitioner. Using her gifts of perception and empathy, she can tap into what’s going on energy-wise in people, and then (if it’s negative energy), she can clear it. She doesn’t have to know exactly what happened. She doesn’t have to go in and do any sort of interviewing or discussion or anything like that. She can just sense that there’s an energy that’s out of alignment and out of place and can move it so it’s in alignment. (Want to try it out? Get on her calendar.)

A tangled mess of rope: either untangle it or throw it away

As she was doing the work on somebody close to us, she stopped and told me “I just had a really interesting sensation and a sort of vision. This person is standing next to other people who are close (emotionally) to this person. They all have cords running out of their solar plexus. The cords all meet in the middle. There’s this big tangled messed-up ball, almost as big as they are, a big tangled pile of rope like the ones we have in our yard. Or maybe it looks like a big tangled mess of fishing line or yarn. These people who are all tangled up — and other people — try to untangle this mess. The lines, the cords, are the stories and the past hurts and all the bad things that have happened, that bring bad feelings into these relationships.”

Don’t Fix The Tangled Mess

All the people involved know that this tangled mess exists. They try really really hard to untangle the mess, but it’s just not working. No matter how hard they try to untangle it, the mess just gets more and more tangled. (Later I said: “It sounds like that scene from the Tar Baby with Briar Rabbit, when he keeps pushing and pulling trying to get away from the tar baby, and finally the narrator says ‘The more he tried to get unstuck, the stucker up he got! Pretty soon he was so stuck-up he could scarcely move his eyeballs!'”)

Everybody is trying to fix this mess by untangling all the cords, all the lines, all the hurt and anger and frustration. Then she (my wife) said: “I had the thought and the perception that they need to just let all of those cords go. In this case the Savior came in and picked up this big mess and clipped off the cords where they connected to each of the people and took away the big mess and threw it away.”

Now they can look at this relationship, where the big mess used to be, and say, “Okay, these things aren’t in the way anymore! Let’s just move on from where we are without any of this tangled mess, without trying to figure out what happened in the past or anything like that.”

Then as she continued to work on this scenario, she realized that there were people who were also attached to these people. As these groups of people faced each other, they had their own much smaller tangles. As they were released from the cords, the Savior could throw away the messy tangles.

As she talked about this, I realized that was something that I did with my family members. Yes, there were huge horrific stories and things that happened in the past and big tangled messes. It may sound like you’re just walking away. That doesn’t mean that you have to forget about your life experiences. You need to learn from the past; you should learn from the past. But you don’t have to try to unravel that big wad of messed up cords. You just let it go.

What Can Fix The Tangled Mess?

When we look at fixing the tangled mess, we are getting the question. In my case, I turned it over to the Savior, and said “I can’t do this.” That’s what He is waiting for. When we do that, then He takes care of it. He doesn’t unravel or untangle or analyze it. He get’s rid of it. He heals us from it. And as each person gets disconnected and liberated from the mess with the other person, then they can turn and have a very simple relationship where information is going back and forth.

People can start building these beautiful relationships that are clear. Everybody stands in their own power with each other. There’s no big tangled mess. It’s as if, as they disconnect from the tangles, everybody’s relationship begins to get much more solid and much more free-flowing and the energy between people is strong. When a cord is not tangled up it can hold the weight and the pressure. But when it’s tangled then it slips and things slip and move in a way that they’re not supposed to. Christ heals those wounds that lead to the tangles.

Sometimes you can go into the mess, you can have the hard conversations, you can apologize, and you can untangle things because you need to untangle them, and because you’ve caught them early enough. But it reminds me of when I was young: I would sit there and spend literally hours trying to untangle a tangled-up fishing reel with backlash. It would be a huge mess. That’s when my Dad would say: “Just cut it and put some new line on the reel. Then we can go fishing!”

The hard thing is to let the Savior take that tangled mess and throw it away. It’s hard for us to let Him move it out of our lives so that there is no more backlash, no more tangled mess, no more past mess. But we need to let Him do that. Because as we try to untangle things, we go back and re-examine and re-examine and re-examine and re-examine. Then new hurts come up, and we tell ourselves all these stories about what they mean and what they could mean, what they possibly should mean. And the reality is maybe they don’t mean any of that. The reality is if we just throw away those tangled messes and start over from what is so, and where things are, then we can really start to move and build these strong, clean relationships.

What happens next? She also saw that it was as if a chip were inserted to each person who’d been cut away from the mess. The chip could be labeled: “This is what good relationships look like!”

Most people who have these big tangles have never had a good relationship modeled. All they may know is confusion, calamity, distrust and sadness. It’s as if the Savior puts a chip into their heads, saying: “This is what a good relationship looks like.” With those inspired models they can start developing relationships. They stand in their own power instead of saying “Oh I have to live this way because this tangled mess is the way I always saw it, so I assumed that’s the way it’s supposed to be.” But Christ comes through and says, “No, it doesn’t have to be that big tangled mess. This is how it could be for you!”

As people let go and let Him take away that big tangled mess, they can find the truth, which teaches them the correct and easier way to do things. And then they can develop meaningful relationships without having these massive tangled messes.

Because You Don’t Have To

Because you don’t have to,
you will.

Turn Down Dates — Just Say No! Article

Just Say No! Why And How To Turn Down Dates – And How To Respond – In Dating

Is it hard to turn down dates? In the 80’s, First Lady Nancy Reagan’s anti-drug campaign had the slogan: “Just Say NO!” While it’s great advice for both women and men in on-line and in-person dating, it seems to be a lost art.

Based on personal experience and discussions with hundreds of women and men, this article on how to turn down dates explores:

• Why we don’t say no (and what we do instead)
• Why say no at all (and why not NOT say no)
• How to say no
• What no means (and doesn’t mean)
• What no enables us to do
• How to accept no

Why We Don’t Say No (And What We Do Instead)

If you’ve been involved in post-divorce dating at all, you’ve probably experienced this: You find someone attractive and interesting. You approach them on-line with a well-thought-out, mildly funny and interesting “first e-mail”. You wait for a response. And wait. And wait.
Maybe you send another email. And wait …
Maddening, isn’t it?
It seems the preferred response method is to say … nothing.

Why do we do that? My own experience is that I think I don’t know how to say no well. Sometimes, I just can’t think of a good reason.

The most common response is simply: “I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. If I don’t say anything, they’ll know I’m not interested, but I won’t hurt them.”

WRONG!

Why Say No At All (And Why Not NOT Say No)

If we truly want to be kind, and really believe in karma, we’ll do others the courtesy and the favor of saying no. We CAN turn down dates!

Let that sink in.

Rather than hurting people by saying no, we’re actually doing them a favor!

Here’s why: Most adults in the post-divorce dating world EXPERIENCE REJECTION. We’re divorced! We’ve been rejected! If we’ve dated, we have had our share of turn downs. We can take it. Though it might sting for a while, we’ll be okay and move on.

In contrast, receiving no answer (i.e., silence) is painful. It makes us wonder several things, none of which are accurate:

• Did my message not go through?
• Did I say something wrong / stupid / silly?
• Am I not attractive / worthy enough?
• What’s wrong with me that they won’t at least respond?
• Is s/he saying “no” now, but leaving the door open for later?

In my experience (and those of others I’ve talked with), if you don’t say no, 80% of the time (or more) you’ll get repeated requests. Do you really want that? I’m a fan of when folks turn down dates. Saying no is actually less painful for all involved!

How To Say No

Now that we understand why saying no can be a good, healthy thing for all involved, here is, in my mind, a great way to say no, (and why it’s so good).

“Thank you for contacting me.” (The person acknowledges my efforts.) “In looking over your profile” (indicates the person at least made some effort to read what I took the effort to write,) “I can really see you have a [some positive statement here].” (It makes me feel good about who I am, and softens what comes next.) “However, I don’t feel that we are a good match.” (I can’t deny a person’s feelings. This is a definitive NO statement. If you want to be even clearer, add on: “So, thank you, but no.) “You seem like a great person” (again, making me feel good about who I am) “and I wish us both success in finding the one right for us!” (Makes me remember that I’m not trying to please everyone, I just want to please one who’s right for me).

Other variations include: “I received your email. Thank you, but no.”
“I don’t think we’re a good match, so no thank you.”
“I don’t think we’re a good match, for these reasons: [reasons are listed].” (I personally dislike this answer, because the person receiving it will often argue and try to prove the sender wrong. It’s easier to say no without a reason except “a feeling”).
“I just met someone.” (if it’s true).

What No Means (And Doesn’t Mean)

Here’s something you must learn and internalize. It took me years to understand:
No means No.

It doesn’t mean:

• You’re ugly/weird/stupid
• You’re not worthy of me
• I don’t like you
• Nobody will like you
• You’re not in my league
• Ewwww, cooties!

It simply means no. Deal with it. Move on.

What No Enables Us To Do

You’ve received a “No.” You hurt a little. Although we may not like getting rejected, No is actually a very empowering word. Why?

It lets us move on.

Silence makes us wonder. Giving reasons “why not” leads to arguing. No lets us say: “Okay, next!”

An old sales adage says: “Every no brings us closer to yes.” As much as we hate to admit it, dating today is a numbers game. The more people we contact, the more rejection we may get, BUT the more likely we are to get the final “YES!” we are looking for.

How To Accept No

A common complaint I hear, especially from women, is: “I don’t want to say no. When I do, the guy will argue with me, or come back and say hurtful, insulting things. So I say nothing.”

First off: Men! Seriously? Do you think you’ll change her mind with insults? In fact, because the dating community is so small, you’ll probably nuke any chances of ANYONE saying “Yes.”

The polite response is to acknowledge their no, and give them encouragement in return. A brief response, such as: “Thank you for at least responding. I wish us both good luck in our search.” is an indication of good manners … and creates good karma!

What’s Next In No-Man’s/No-Woman’s Land?

Now you know the reasons to say no, AND you have examples, don’t be afraid to use them. When you get a “No”, simply say “Thank you.” and move on. It’s not personal, AND you’ve just gotten that much closer to the person you really want in your life, because they want you in theirs.

============

This was an article published in early 2014 in DivorcedSinglesNews.com. Since the on-line magazine no longer exists (and since the issues involved in having to turn down dates still exist!), I’m republishing it here. It remains under my (c) Copyright, but may be reprinted with permission and reference.

David Kuhns is a web content writer and communications / marketing consultant. Single for several years, his advice is based on (sometimes painful) first-hand experience, mistakes he’s made, and discussions he’s had with hundreds of divorced, dating singles.
Update: After many turn down dates moved Kuhns through hundreds of potential dating prospects, a woman from Tennessee — who just happens to be a writer as well — responded to his very forward first email through an on-line dating website. He could hardly believe her profile (because she was so perfect for him), so he sent an email asking: “Are you for real?!!!?” The woman answered with a resounding “Yes!” He is now happily married and living a dream life, including running creative writing and business retreats on their acreage near Chattanooga, Tennessee, with his wife Marnie.

Warm Georgia Summer Evening Surprise: ImproVerse Blogging Haibun

From the inside, through my 1990’s shaded-design oval door window, it looked like recent Georgia sunsets: Cool, golden, breezy, comfortably worthy of a front-porch sit for a spell. I knew the frogs would be chirping and croaking and screeching melodically, there might be a whip-or-will or mocking bird or mourning dove singing joyfully at the setting sun, and various and sundry unidentified bugs would be rhytmically scraping and creeking and thrumming and whatever they do, lacing a deep-layered cacophony of sound like a grandmother’s old, well-worn quilt over the newly-mown hay and lawn and the soon-to-be-harvested gold-and-black-tassled corn in the field just beyond the broken-in-half hickory tree.

Surprise.

Stepping out onto the porch, the evening’s still, stiffling air laid on my face and arms like mold in a plastic bag full of what teenaged boys might call “garbage cheese” — not quite rotted into limberger, but still stenchy and pungent enough to make me want to avoid taking a deep, rich breath.

No breeze.

Instead, as I stood still and watched the sunset dapple through the aged oak and hickory trees, as I tried to revel in the natural symphony I’d expected, the damp-dank humid humors of the evening felt as if I was at the end of some God/Satan spraygun of tangible air-mist-grime-pollen. And no scents. Nothing to make breathing the languid vapors worthwhile. No sense of reward or joy or revelation. Just deep cotton-like vapors filling my nostrils and throat and lining my lungs.

I sat down anyway, rocked slowly the way one should on a Southern porch in late July, and waited for an evening breeze to come and wash away the fog-like depth of the moment so I could, at last, completely see-hear-taste-smell-feel-sense all-in-all around and through and in me.

And a distant owl hooted.

When unexpected/
nature clouds your mind, be still./
She’ll clear your senses.

Show Me By Your Experience: Revolutionary IMprov Prose

I once was working on a project at a very large company back in Seattle. Someone with considerably less experience than I had, (decades less,) came to my cubical and somewhat derisively suggested that I change the the way I was working on the project. She said I should try it another way that she had heard about.

In my experience, her way had never worked in any other place I’d ever seen it implemented, so I very calmly asked her if she had ever done it that way. She said no. I suggested that she go back to her desk and work on the project she was working on, in the way that she had suggested, and when she was done and the project was successful, she could come back and show me how to fix my project using her tried and proven methodologies. It wasn’t that I was not willing to listen to her, but I felt that I had more experience than she did, and she was trying to implement a pattern that had never been proven and that she had never used.

She never returned.

What if Trump’s recent comments are simply following good busines process? I think he’s say the same thing to some young apartment manager who came up to him and tried to tell him how to run one of Trump Plaza. That is what Trump said to four young Representatives. It wasn’t a racist comment. It was a business comment.

“Show us the proof, show us how to do it, and then we’ll listen. Oh, you don’t have any real-world experience? Go back to your workspace, go back to a place where you can implement those policies, where you have a blank canvas, and see if your suggestions and ideas work.

But don’t come into our work space, into a place that is following a pattern that has been relatively successful for more than 200 years, following rules which we believe are inspired, and tell us how much you hate our process, and our rules, and our results, and then tell us to try something that you’ve never even tried, and that you have no proof of it working anywhere else.”

Write What? Improv Free Verse

What happens if you’re supposed to write,

but you don’t know what to create about?
Do you just keep writing
until something comes?Is it like eating breakfast cereal?
You don’t really know why
or how much to eat,
but you know you have to fuel your body?

Is it like that except for your mind and soul?
I’ve seen that vision of
sitting on the stump in the woods and writing.

At this moment, though,
I’m stumped
as to what I should write about.
And it’s hot and humid
and the bugs are buzzing
and I once saw where Tennessee Williams
wrote A Streetcar Named Desire
in the old French Quarter in New Orleans
(I wrote a STELLA poem about it!)
and I wonder how he stood it

with no air conditioning,
sitting in a room
in a brick walk up
in the French Quarter’s
sweltering oppressive heat.Why does no great literature
come out of sub-zero freezing pain?
Can I, as a Yankee transplant,
tap into that creative energy
that oozes like sweat-made tea
and humidity,
that soaks the back of shirts
in Rorschach patterns
along the spines
of men and women?