It was too late
to think,
I think,
nor to read
what I should not.

But I thought,
and I did,
and now I can’t stop
thinking
the thought.

They play
like an ear worm,
the terrible tune
you hate to hear,
but once it blares
you can’t get rid of it.

I’m
not
hot.

Not in that way.
The things I “fix”
don’t stay
repaired.

And there are so many
now, in this new place,
that I can hardly imagine
trying
to catch up.

I don’t even write
or work at what I like
any more.
I’m a bore.

So I sit and binge watch
and pretend
it’s teaching me
about government
and choices
and I’m spending time
with her.

But our gazes
go forward
into a large
rectangular
black hole,
where we watch others
play out on the screen
and even panting
and depanting
and a black bra
only brings groans
of boredom
and remorse.

Then,
when we’ve watched
and thrown away
three hours
(or more),
we kneel
and thank Him
for us,
and ask
what we should do.

I don’t think that’s it.

And although I now feel glad
that I’m writing,
divulging,
creating,
it still feels
like I should go
cover the garden
against tonight’s frost,
fold up the electric cord,
and try to tidy up
the front porch
at least a little,
so maybe,
when tomorrow’s beams shine brightly,
I’ll feel like doing something
that will move the needle
at my house,
my home,
my refuge.

And I’ll remind myself
it’s not a contest
with the past.

If only
I could now,
at last,
believe that.