I stare at the screen
waiting
for you to say
anything.

For you to finish
typing.
for the light
to turn green.

Sentences, phrases, a word
that say
how you feel about
now, this second, last hour, today.

But the blinking words on the IM screen
just keep saying “typing”, “typing”, “typing”.

“Do you trust myself?”
She asked.
I laughed.
“In what regard?”

As in, you invite me
over to watch cinema:
comedy, chick flick, drama,
popcorned action, mystery?

That there would be
no butter smeared on that
velvet, gentle skin, as we sat,
and watched the movie.

The only thing low
I would dip into
and slip into
would be a bowl

of buttered
popcorn,
not porn,
or anything like it.

Kernels I would just eat
while I watch,
and butter touch
and brush off my seat.

Do I trust myself?
Whether watching a romantic chick flick,
or Elf,
I keep my emotions,
and buttered hands,
on the shelf.

“Dad! You’re F*#ing Crazy!”
“Curl up and die!”
No car is worth that.
Death.
Venom spat.

I’d rather bus or walk
than drive that car again!
I’m not giving in.
They don’t win.
I’m telling them:
take the damn car.

It doesn’t matter!
What makes me sadder
is they don’t know
they haven’t won, but lost.
And at what cost
the tragedy
of stupidity.
I don’t think they know.
Only me.

Yesterday I bought a car.
it was red. Fast. Old.
I traded two cars for it.
They didn’t run worth Sh*t.

Nearly a decade and a half old
was this new red car.
Black leather interior.
heated seats. Superior.

Really loud speakers.
Cranked Weezer.
Why do they gotta front?
What makes them so violent?

I always thought I looked
just like Buddy Holly.
So I played it loud,
sunroof open: music spilled out.

Seattle springtime surrounds us:
Bright. Warm. Glorious.

And then it started.
A promise I didn’t remember,
brought first by my son,
then by his sister,
then by their mother.
Texts on my cell.
Dozens of messages from hell.

Liar.
Always lying.
Always changing your mind.
Stupid. Crazy. Liar. Unkind.

Did they ever think
I honestly don’t remember
promises made?
“Yeah, you can drive it!”
Things said off
the cuff?

Or,
Did they ever think
The world is changing as we speak?
That it’s important for me
to have a cheaper vehicle?
Better gas mileage?
I drive more.
Last time, to avoid any fuss,
I almost took the bus.

Got screamed at anyway.
Always in texts: “Go away.
I have no father.
I’m not your daughter.”

After a while, I decided
not to take the abuse.
The name calling.
“Liar.
You’re not my dad.
I hate you with everything I have.”

You are an F**n idiot.
I have no father.
From she who once fell
off the bed laughing so hard
at me.
(Hard to write
when tears make it hard to see).

Then, from him, the son:
The same venom.
Only harsher, unexpected.
But I stood firm.

For a minute.
Then I thought
What the heck? It’s just
a red, fast car! With no rust!

But realized, too late, maybe,
that I had no money.
6 months out of work does that.
Who covers the insurance premiums
when dad doesn’t work
for the kids’ car? (The jerk!)

I asked that they step up.
Get off their rears for a change.
Work.
As I did.
As their brother and sister,
did. Older, wiser.

You can drive the car.
The condition is
you pay.
Logical?
Normal? I’da thought.
But evidently not.

Not in our rich neighborhood
where “all my friends”
get “whatever they want”
and don’t have to pay.
I want to do a survey.

But I won’t.

I was hoping
they would step up,
see their mother trudging off
to work at 5 a.m.;
see me working late hours
trying to find something
anything
to keep her in school,
to keep him fed,
a roof over their heads.

See that and say
“maybe I should get a job today
and help pay
insurance
just once”.

Nah.
“I hope you die!”.
Because I didn’t let them
drive the car?
“But get a job in Dublin,
like you wanted.
Then die.
We won’t have to pay
for the funeral that way!”

Crazy, selfish liar
in a Dublin funeral pyre.

In the end,
both said “don’t talk to us,
don’t text us,
don’t contact us again.”

“Get a job out of state.
Don’t show your face again!
Move far away!
(Oh, but Daddy… still pay).”

Yesterday I bought a car.
Today I lost two children.
Or they lost me.
And it brakes my heart.
Perhaps if I go really fast
The pain won’t last.

Maybe I WILL die.
Aye.

You write words
I wish I could hear!
Oh! that something could place
written words in my ear.

A tender voice
that softly intoned
a groan?
a moan?

a laugh?
a chastisment?
a thought reticent?
a kiss sent?

Though your words written are always dear;
They should be something my ear could hear!

A guy who cares is better than funny;
unique, memorable, even special, maybe.
So… how does your daughter
remember me?

Do you go to bed
all twitterpatted?
With a grin on your face
that looks .. out of place?

With a gleam in your eye?
And a long, tender sigh
when you’re done IMing me?
Is that what she sees?

Is that how she
remembers me?

Seattle Public Library 10th Floor reading room

Seattle Public Library 10th Floor Reading Room

My grande burrito
Was not finito!
But she said we had to so go
Because I was too slow!

And later on,
(having missed the Flan`),
her veggie wrap
tasted like crap.

Not nearly as sweet,
nor the promised meet treat,
that she
said it honey wood bee.

So I’ve made this firm resolution:
When the burrito is started, get done!